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Sunday, March 30, 2008

You Never Sausage A Place!

While sitting in traffic on my way home from the office the other day, I was reminded of a giant lie my parents told me as a child. There was no malicious intent by telling me this so called fib. In fact, they had the noblest of intentions. That is, shielding me from Pedro's hot-bed of poisoned propaganda. A place you may know as South of the Border.

What kid in their right mind would not want to climb up that giant sombrero and look over interstate 95 in all its glory. And who could resist the World's Number 1 Miniature Golf or Hats Around the World. And what is an Africa Shop?

Anyway, the lie was this: "Oh Alan, South of the Border is just a giant laundry mat". And for many years I believed it and the lie effectively killed my desire to visit Pedro and friends. I was certain that the Silver Slipper was chocked full of 75 cents a load washing machines and dryers. And so, the beat goes on, in that every time we pass by the Sombrero on our way to Florence, my girls are told the lie. Not so much to protect them from the subtle racism of a drunken "Too Moch Tequila" bandito, but simply because it's fun for me. And as anyone knows, those are the best of lies.

What is your favorite parental lie of all time?

13 comments:

Rick said...

You mean there's no laundry @ South O The Border? That explains why I never saw that load of whites again after handing it over to Guadalupe for a nominal fee. Dang.

Chuck said...

A - I took the opposite approach. I, too, lived a childhood deprived of Pedro. So, I decided to pull in. Everything was horrible: from the "we need to hold your credit card while you pump gas" to the sanitary conditions of the bathroom, to the crappiest milk shake ever. It was a disaster. The kids voted on going down a few exits to Lata (the one with the Wilco Gas, the Dairy Queen and the Wendy's all rolled into one big site).

Charlotte said...

We had a grandmother in Raliegh, NC, and lived in Florence, so that trek up I-95 was a staple of my childhood. I, too, believed in the magic land that was South of the Border. We had those signs memorized. We looked for the giant Pedro (not to be confused with his layabout brother Pablo) in the distance like some oasis. I even remember when the big observation deck was built. Ah...memories.

When I grew up, my grandmother told me what she heard really went on there. I was distraught, to say the least.

Funny how they haven't take any heat for the blatant racism. They must know people.

Oh, best lie my mom ever told me was that if I watched too much TV, I would turn into a giant eyeball. My husband's mom told him that if she drove the car more then 55 mph, it would explode. When he and his brothers misbehaved, she just excelerated. Worked like a charm.

Charlotte said...

Accelerated. I'm such a bonehead.

George said...

Chuck's comments about "the sanitary conditions of the bathroom, to the crappiest milk shake ever" gave me a VERY disturbing mental image. I may never be able to drink a chocolate shake again.

George said...

Oh, my favorite parental lie (told to me) was constant warnings about making funny faces. They'd always say "one day your face is going to get stuck that way". Can you imagine if you stuck your fingers in the corners of your mouth and stretched open a goofy grin and it DID stay that way? How cool would THAT be...for about a minute, anyway?

Ferdlings said...

You'll go blind.

Alan said...

Yes, that one too, Paul. I personally have trouble holding my seeing eye dog's leash with such hairy palms.
Charlotte, you should know that I didn't even blink when reading "excelerated". Pablo is a loafer from way back.
Chuck, your public restroom milkshake disgusted me. I suppose you also conjured up a Mellow Yellow and a handful of goobers while in the stall.
Rick, I have had that pile of nicotene stained drawers you call "load of whites" all along. tee hee amigo.

Kyle said...

Pop used to tell me I wasn't holding my mouth right when I didn't catch fish. I'd sit in the front of the boat and practice different mouth postitions. I don't think the fish ever saw the right one though.

Steve said...

I told my youngest son that the automatic flush urinals were triggered by clapping. You had to take a step back and clap to get them to flush. Don't you know the one time he didn't do it the urinal didn't flush. I told him to step up to it, then back up and clap. Sure enough...it flushed. Positive reinforcement, that's what that was.

George said...

I remember being told by a certain friend that if I peed in their pool the water around me would turn red. That took only few minutes to prove false.

James said...

You know, I have never stopped at South of the Border, it's been one of those things I have been saving up for later in life. For years I have resisted the temptation... soon, soon. Anticipation is half the fun. Now, you people have gone and ruined it for me.

Alan said...

James, please don't let our limited world-view keep you from living your dream. You were destined to see Pedro, my friend. Never give up on that!